Are you there God? It's me, Lisa...

I went to church today for the first time in a really long time.  A lot of people may not know that I grew up in church, pretty hard core. I grew up heavily involved in my church, religion and faith but as I got older, I started thinking more for myself and less about how it was shoved down my throat. Less about the institution of religion and more about what faith was to me.  Let me explain - I grew up verrrrrrry Baptist. We were at church every time the doors were open, usually 3-5 times a week.

Lately, my heart is closed. Guarded. Angry. Good grief how I've been angry. I don't understand why I'm here. Why I've had to experience some of the things I've had to experience. I keep asking myself, "where is God?"  Why is He letting me go through this? When is enough, enough?

I begged him to show His face to me. I'd wait for answers and get radio silence. Nothing. Fast forward to the tears. Anger. Cursing. Yelling. Hate. Bitterness. Questioning His existence. Basically anything and everything. I've wondered if God is even real or He's just an idea that people buy into. I know that's very debatable question and everyone has their own feeling on it. I started telling myself that I can do life by myself. I don't need faith. Trust. Hope. I didn't need a God. I wondered why I didn't get an immediate answer. Immediate gratification. I was asking why didn't He do what I WANTED Him to do? I started asking why about anything and everything.

Today, I had a moment where I felt the walls that I've been building up for so long finally come down. I have been all of these emotional things for the past few years and today, while singing a praise and worship song, I felt these walls come tearing down. I felt the internal drama and insecrutities wash away and the real Lisa standing there. Standing there vulnerable. Open. Exposed. I hate all of those things. I know that I needed to work on my faith. On my relationship with God.  In fact, I've been praying and asking Him where's He's been. Why hasn't He changed my situation or made it a little easier? Why hasn't he shown himself? Truth is that He's been here the entire time. I have spent all this time focusing on what I don't have instead of focusing on what I do have. The bad. The negative. The people that have left. The things that have happened not what hasn't happened. Yes, it's not what I would have chosen but honestly, this is part of my story. This divorce needed to happen for whatever reason and I've been wasting all this energy wanting to know WHY instead of having faith this is part of a bigger plan. Wait - I do sometimes focus on that but in those lonely moments, I focus on the negative instead of the positive.

During the praise and worship song, Hillson United's "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)", I found myself weeping. Almost sobbing. Listening to the words about faith. Trust. My heart has been so closed off that I haven't trusted God's plan for my life. My faith is nonexistent. It's hurt. It's full of self and pride. Delusion. Selfish desires.

But seeing those lyrics on the screen and really listening to them as I sang them in my horrible singing voice, something happened. Those tears started scrubbing my soul. I started feeling sunlight seeping in a very dark area, the air in my lungs and I felt my heartbeat for the first time in years. I felt hopeful. I felt God's grace. And His mercy pouring over me so loud and so clear just like I had begged him to do. He was there all the time but I wasn't in a place where I could hear it. I could feel it. It made me realize that now is the time to become that person that I've always wanted to be. It didn't matter how much I have failed Him. Or how I've hurt Him. What matters is that today, I realized I can start over and the past, while still there, doesn't matter. He won't hold that over my head even when others do. In God's eyes - I'm new.

I walked out of church open and ready to look at my life a little differently. I've decided to try and use where I am right now to make a difference. Stay tuned because I'm really excited for this new Lisa.

"So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the wavesWhen oceans riseMy soul will rest in Your embraceFor I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without bordersLet me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wanderAnd my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"