5 years ago today, you made me a mom for a second time. I was scared, probably a little more this time, because you kinda came into our lives with surprise and a little unexpected.
You rock my world every single day and I love watching you because honestly, I see a lot of myself in you. You aren't afraid to take chances, are a little bossy and are much louder than you should be. I love your "I can do anything" attitude, within reason, and your spontaneity, spunk and sassiness.
Thank you for letting me see the world again through your eyes and teaching me daily lessons of patience, love and risk taking. Don't ever stop being curious but you can stop making me watch the same episode of Yo Gabba Gabba over and over.
Isn't it funny how easily we trust people? We trust them to respect us and not intentionally hurt us every day. It's like that saying on Pinterest, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."
It's true. I try hard to treat others the way I want them to treat me but I'm human and makes mistakes every day. I put my heart out there to get trampled on. Daily. And honestly it almost always does for a lot of reasons. People see their lives through their own perception or emotions and it's hard to change it. It's hard because we want to explain ourselves. We want our character to remain in tact. We want to be understood, not misunderstood.
Anyone that knows me, knows how much I hate to be misunderstood, especially when I come from a place of love. Or doing a good deed.
Truth is, we can't control how people see the world. What they say. How they interpret your actions and story. You just have to try daily to do the right things and as long as you can lay your head down at night and know you did your best then that's all that matters. We have to remember that everyone is fighting their own battles and sometimes it's just not personal. Sometimes it is personal though and you just have to keep on going. People are going to talk. People are going to judge. People are going to hate and you really aren't able to do anything about it if they aren't open to hearing your story. Especially as they see your world, actions or story through their life experiences.
Be kind. Love hard. Stay open. Be real. Show grace. Empathy. But always protect your heart and remember you aren't perfect. You can't judge someone by their actions while judging yourself by your intentions.
Over the past almost year, I talked to certain friend nonstop. All day, every day. No matter what. Some might say it was unhealthy. I'd say that you are probably right but they were a crucial part of my life, playing the part as my best friend. Confidant. My gut-check. Voice of reason. My person.
You know the person I'm talking about. You have one of those too.
However, over the past few days I learned that this person wasn't who they said they were. So cutting them out of my life was heartbreaking but necessary. Man it hurts. Day 1 was hard. I struggled with picking up the phone and texting when I got an exciting phone call but I didn't. And I hated the fact I couldn't. I joke that I only had the shakes a few times but it's kind of true. My heart feels like something is missing. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about life without them.
But over the past year, I've learned that I deserve more. I deserve honesty. Truth. Respect. Honor. Love and so much more.
The past few days have been hard but I have learned so much about myself. I'm proud of myself. It hurts like hell but with time, I know that I'll be okay. And I hope you will be too.
I am Pinterest lover. Seriously. There's really nothing that I don't use it for. Recipes. Clothing ideas. Decorating ideas. DIY stuff. ORGANIZATION which I adore but don't have the time to do these days. However, their quotes section is my jam!
Here are somethings that have spoken to me in one way or another.
I went to church today for the first time in a really long time. A lot of people may not know that I grew up in church, pretty hard core. I grew up heavily involved in my church, religion and faith but as I got older, I started thinking more for myself and less about how it was shoved down my throat. Less about the institution of religion and more about what faith was to me. Let me explain - I grew up verrrrrrry Baptist. We were at church every time the doors were open, usually 3-5 times a week.
Lately, my heart is closed. Guarded. Angry. Good grief how I've been angry. I don't understand why I'm here. Why I've had to experience some of the things I've had to experience. I keep asking myself, "where is God?" Why is He letting me go through this? When is enough, enough?
I begged him to show His face to me. I'd wait for answers and get radio silence. Nothing. Fast forward to the tears. Anger. Cursing. Yelling. Hate. Bitterness. Questioning His existence. Basically anything and everything. I've wondered if God is even real or He's just an idea that people buy into. I know that's very debatable question and everyone has their own feeling on it. I started telling myself that I can do life by myself. I don't need faith. Trust. Hope. I didn't need a God. I wondered why I didn't get an immediate answer. Immediate gratification. I was asking why didn't He do what I WANTED Him to do? I started asking why about anything and everything.
Today, I had a moment where I felt the walls that I've been building up for so long finally come down. I have been all of these emotional things for the past few years and today, while singing a praise and worship song, I felt these walls come tearing down. I felt the internal drama and insecrutities wash away and the real Lisa standing there. Standing there vulnerable. Open. Exposed. I hate all of those things. I know that I needed to work on my faith. On my relationship with God. In fact, I've been praying and asking Him where's He's been. Why hasn't He changed my situation or made it a little easier? Why hasn't he shown himself? Truth is that He's been here the entire time. I have spent all this time focusing on what I don't have instead of focusing on what I do have. The bad. The negative. The people that have left. The things that have happened not what hasn't happened. Yes, it's not what I would have chosen but honestly, this is part of my story. This divorce needed to happen for whatever reason and I've been wasting all this energy wanting to know WHY instead of having faith this is part of a bigger plan. Wait - I do sometimes focus on that but in those lonely moments, I focus on the negative instead of the positive.
During the praise and worship song, Hillson United's "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)", I found myself weeping. Almost sobbing. Listening to the words about faith. Trust. My heart has been so closed off that I haven't trusted God's plan for my life. My faith is nonexistent. It's hurt. It's full of self and pride. Delusion. Selfish desires.
But seeing those lyrics on the screen and really listening to them as I sang them in my horrible singing voice, something happened. Those tears started scrubbing my soul. I started feeling sunlight seeping in a very dark area, the air in my lungs and I felt my heartbeat for the first time in years. I felt hopeful. I felt God's grace. And His mercy pouring over me so loud and so clear just like I had begged him to do. He was there all the time but I wasn't in a place where I could hear it. I could feel it. It made me realize that now is the time to become that person that I've always wanted to be. It didn't matter how much I have failed Him. Or how I've hurt Him. What matters is that today, I realized I can start over and the past, while still there, doesn't matter. He won't hold that over my head even when others do. In God's eyes - I'm new.
I walked out of church open and ready to look at my life a little differently. I've decided to try and use where I am right now to make a difference. Stay tuned because I'm really excited for this new Lisa.
"So I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the wavesWhen oceans riseMy soul will rest in Your embraceFor I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without bordersLet me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wanderAnd my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior"
I find myself in an unfamiliar place these days. I can't find my happiness. I'm so focused on the negative and what's gone wrong that I lose sight of what I have. I've stopped looking at what's gone right.
Let's face it, my life isn't perfect. It's not even close but you know what? It's pretty darn good. I have so much to be thankful for that sometimes it's overwhemling while other times it takes way to much energy to thankful. To be happy. To be grateful. To be positive. It's really easy to get into the negative instead of counting my blessings. I'll spare you the list of the things that I'm thankful for because they are what you think, very normal. Very predictable. So I'll go with some unconventional things that I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for all the tough situations I've been because they've made me who I am today. I'm thankful for my past and although there are some parts that I'd love to erase, truth is that the past made me who I am today - good and bad. It's shaken me to my core, made me thankful for all that has gone right and wrong. It's shown me that my past doesn't define me. It doesn't. I'm trying to remember to use it as a stepping stone, as hokey as that sounds. I'm thankful for grace and forgiveness. Man are those big ones. I keep telling myself to let things go because God doesn't remind me daily of the mistakes I've made - He simply has let it go too. Sometimes forgetting is hard but most of the time, it's not. I can't change the past, I can only shape the future so why waste that energy trying to change something that isn't changeable. Forgiveness. Oh, forgiveness - you tricky little act and word. I'm learning every day to let go of the apology I might never get. I'm learning too that I might not get to apologize to someone either and while I wish I could, sometimes that isn't part of the plan. I am trying to remember that sometimes how people treat you is indicative of how they see themselves and we are all facing our own issues so be kind when someone isn't kind to you. Man is that a hard one for someone like me.
Every day is another day so why hold on to yesterday? Breathe. Let it go. Be thankful. Be present. And make today better than yesterday. The day before.
As Pharrel suggests - just be "Happy". It comes in many shapes and forms. Try to embrace it.
Dating suuuuuucks. Dating at 36 reallllllly suuuuuucks. It does. I'm a relationship girl. Always have been. I love being part of a couple. Please don't confuse this with someone that needs to be in a relationship to be happy because I don't. In fact, I know more of what I want NOW than I ever have before.
I'm what you classify as "hard to handle". I've been told I'm bossy. Loud. Pushy. Sarcastic. Funny. I have a very dry sense of humor and not everyone "gets" it. Sometimes, I find myself explaining a joke or my off the wall comment so anymore, I tend to keep them to myself until I really know you.
Dating sucks - did I mention that? Especially as a 36 year old single mom that doesn't have a lot of time. I found myself :gulp: online dating. What a cluster eff, man. I get it - I'm not supermodel. I'm curvy, "thick"or chubby, fashion risk taker and average. I do have some sass and spunk often wearing a faux hawk and red lips. So online dating is hard because everyone obviously goes by looks so I try hard to lure them in with a witty profile. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Online dating definitely takes a hit on one's self esteem, man. Some of those cuties can't carry a conversation. Some of them are well versed but weird. It's a melting pot of crazy cakes at times with a slice of hilariousness.
Then when you're not looking, one slips through the cracks. They change your life. They surprise you by knowing you in ways you never expected. By picking up everything you've been hiding your entire life and reading things about you that no one, not even your best friend knows in a short, hot minute. There's chemistry. There's fireworks. There's passion. There's that whole thing of making you rethink everything you thought you knew and questioning everything you stood for. Then they decide they're done. They crush promises they never intended to keep and hurt your already fragile heart. It doesn't work for them but in your heart, you know it does. You didn't expect this. You just wanted to meet new people. You just wanted to see what life after being married for 10+ years looked like. You didn't expect to find your numb heart alive and full of color but it is and you like it. You try to scream at them that they are making a big mistake but nothing comes out. Sometimes you know it's a mistake to walk away but you have to. Changed, different than when you entered this storm but knowing when enough is enough. Knowing when the pattern you are so familiar with probably won't change. You realize that you won't apologize for who you are anymore. I have a lot of weaknesses, which I'm reminded of every day but you know what - there are more strengths to focus on. You can pretend that this is easy. You can pretend this isn't worth it or fixable. That ending the best thing in your life is really what you want but we both know it's not. You'll regret this for the rest of our life.
But then as you're picking up the pieces of your already shattered, exhausted heart, you wonder if love is worth it? A good friend sent me an amazing quote today that's worth sharing.
Always trust love. It usually wins but not without a price.
