I won't apologize for who I am anymore

Dating suuuuuucks. Dating at 36 reallllllly suuuuuucks. It does. I'm a relationship girl. Always have been. I love being part of a couple. Please don't confuse this with someone that needs to be in a relationship to be happy because I don't. In fact, I know more of what I want NOW than I ever have before.

I'm what you classify as "hard to handle".  I've been told I'm bossy. Loud. Pushy. Sarcastic. Funny. I have a very dry sense of humor and not everyone "gets" it. Sometimes, I find myself explaining a joke or my off the wall comment so anymore, I tend to keep them to myself until I really know you.

Dating sucks - did I mention that? Especially as a 36 year old single mom that doesn't have a lot of time. I found myself :gulp: online dating. What a cluster eff, man. I get it - I'm not supermodel. I'm curvy, "thick"or chubby, fashion risk taker and average. I do have some sass and spunk often wearing a faux hawk and red lips. So online dating is hard because everyone obviously goes by looks so I try hard to lure them in with a witty profile.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Online dating definitely takes a hit on one's self esteem, man. Some of those cuties can't carry a conversation. Some of them are well versed but weird. It's a melting pot of crazy cakes at times with a slice of hilariousness.

Then when you're not looking, one slips through the cracks. They change your life. They surprise you by knowing you in ways you never expected.  By picking up everything you've been hiding your entire life and reading things about you that no one, not even your best friend knows in a short, hot minute. There's chemistry. There's fireworks. There's passion. There's that whole thing of making you rethink everything you thought you knew and questioning everything you stood for.  Then they decide they're done. They crush promises they never intended to keep and hurt your already fragile heart.  It doesn't work for them but in your heart, you know it does. You didn't expect this. You just wanted to meet new people. You just wanted to see what life after being married for 10+ years looked like. You didn't expect to find your numb heart alive and full of color but it is and you like it. You try to scream at them that they are making a big mistake but nothing comes out. Sometimes you know it's a mistake to walk away but you have to. Changed, different than when you entered this storm but knowing when enough is enough. Knowing when the pattern you are so familiar with probably won't change. You realize that you won't apologize for who you are anymore. I have a lot of weaknesses, which I'm reminded of every day but you know what - there are more strengths to focus on. You can pretend that this is easy. You can pretend this isn't worth it or fixable.  That ending the best thing in your life is really what you want but we both know it's not. You'll regret this for the rest of our life.

But then as you're picking up the pieces of your already shattered, exhausted heart, you wonder if love is worth it? A good friend sent me an amazing quote today that's worth sharing.

Always trust love. It usually wins but not without a price.