Why do I try so hard?

I was listening to the Christian station on my satellite radio the other day and heard Amy Grant's new song, "Don't Try So Hard". I found myself weeping as I listened to the words for a lot of reasons, especially what I'm going through in life experiences right now. Everyone that knows me, knows I'm very Type A with a smidge of control freakness coupled with the amazing ability to overreact and be terribly impatient. I have an idea of what life should be like and when it doesn't match the image in my head, I tend to panic or freak out sometimes silently and not-so-silently. 

These qualities have affected my faith which has been a part of me, very deep rooted in fact, for as long as I can remember. I used to ooze "faith" until I witnessed Christians in action. Let's be honest - I'm not a fan of most Christians. Let me rephrase, I'm not a fan of Baptists. Why might you ask? For me, in my experience, the Baptists breed hate. They breed judgmentalism. They take parts of the Bible, flip them to whatever they want them to be and live life according to what they want to believe and it makes me angry. Angry for a lot of reasons but mostly because I find myself reprogramming myself from this mode of thinking daily. This process has made me resentful of my faith, my church and upbringing. I blamed God for my youth experiences, the bullying and most of all the rumors that my peers started. I believed those rumors and end up living those rumors because no one believed me otherwise so why not make it true? That experience forever skewed my view of believers and sometimes people. 

As a married, working mother of two the stress I put on myself is unbelievable. Some of it's just but most of it's religious/peer expectations. I've compared my life at times to the picture in my head, from my church, in the bible and missed out on so much because it never matched or I couldn't see past the legalistic view and take life for what it really was. Honestly, I couldn't see past myself.  My life. My experiences. I'm hard on myself for that because I've missed out on the small stuff because I can't get past an idea - an idea of perfection that's really humanly unattainable. Striving to make God proud when in real life - He IS proud of me. That I'm imperfectly imperfect. A person with a kind heart that is trying to do, be and live the best she can. I make mistakes. I've hurt people and will continue to do so because I'm real. Honest. Scarred. Broken. I've judged one too many times without knowing circumstance or background. Honestly, I'll continue to struggle with that as long as I breathe but I find myself thinking about the person rather than the situation now.  I usually root and stand up for the underdog. I'm re-learning compassion. I'm re-learning and re-living GRACE. Understanding. Patience. I'm the least patience person, ever. Forgiveness. Holy crap is that last one another hard one. Forgiveness is even hard to say. I have a hard time saying I'm sorry. When I'm wrong but you know what - I'm learning. Life and experience are making me learn every day and it's kicking me in the teeth at times. 

I guess what I'm saying is that it's okay to not try so hard. Not to be perfect. Not limit yourself to the picture of perfect in your head. That perfect vision can make you lose everything over time or in one unattainable moment. God loves us for our imperfections - we should embrace them. Own them. Be proud of them. And stop trying so hard because God doesn't have to try hard to love you for you or see the good in you.  Don't try so hard...

"Don't Try So Hard" 
By Amy Grant and James Taylor

Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe 
Cause it's a long, 
long week for someone wired to please 
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher 
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now 
Wish I would tell myself 

Don't try so hard 
God gives you grace and you can't earn it 
Don't think that you're not worth it 
Because you are 
He gave you His love and He's not leaving 
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it 
You're lovely even with your scars 
Don't try so hard 

Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids 
Oh we didn't think much about it, 
we just lived 
Taking our time, 
beautiful leisure 
When did we start, 
trying to measure up 
And all this time, 
love has been trying to tell us 

Don't try so hard 
God gives you grace and you can't earn it 
Don't think that you're not worth it 
Because you are 
He gave you His love and He's not leaving 
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it 
You're lovely even with your scars 
Don't try so hard 

God gives you grace 
You can't earn it 
Stop thinking you're not worth it 
Because you are 
He gave you His love and He's not leaving 
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it 
You're lovely even with your scars 
Don't try so hard