Another year older, another wiser...

It's my 36th birthday! Anyone that knows me, knows how much I LOVE my birthday. I do. I usually celebrate my birthday month, then birthday week with lots of fanfare, hoopla, cake and presents.

This year however is.....different.

I'm not trying to have a pity party. Trust me. Yes, it'll appear that way. Yes, you don't have to read it. So hang with me for just minute, there IS a point here.

I'm a creature of habit. I am just like several of you. I like things a particular way. I like to be in control. I like to know what's expected. I hate surprises. I do. Love to give them, hate to get them because of my high need-to-know what the hell is next in my life. Right now? I HAVE NONE OF THAT. I was very spoiled on my birthday. S always made me extra feel special from 12:01 AM on October 22 to the 11:59PM on October 22. I miss that already. The people in my life have stepped up and done a great job but there's something about my best friend missing my birthday that's daunting. Sad at times. Again, the people in my life have done everything in my power to make me feel that birthday love and for that I'm thankful. Even the ones that can't psychically be with me on my birthday so thank you! It's just not what I'm used to and I'm mourning that in my own way but I'm thankful for all of this.

Another thing that's been difficult is that, honestly, this month is different. Normally, I'd have the porch/house decked out in Halloween/Fall garb but this year I just didn't have the heart or motivation. I haven't even figured out the boys Halloween costumes yet so I'm thinking we'll be superheroes and they can wear their initial capes and call it day. Brody asked to be Mario and wanted Eli to be Luigi. He told me I could be the Princess which I gladly accepted that offer happily. In other words - Pinterest can SUCK it this year.

Change is hard. A year ago, my life was totally different and I had only a small inkling that my life was going to be turned upside down. Don't get me wrong - I'm okay with this journey. This is one of the hardest things I've ever endured and honestly, I just didn't expect my emotions to be so high, all the time. But they are. The people in my life are probably a little scared to answer the phone because they aren't sure if I'll be hysterically crying, laughing like a hyena or ANGRY about something. Usually something stupid and I'm trying to control the moment/situation but what can you do? Keep on swimmin' just like Dory in Finding Nemo says.

I'm just trying to take it day by day to find my new norm. I'm enjoying all that means - the new people. Experiences. Traditions. Surprises. It's overwhelming so I'm probably a little more quiet than normal because I'm taking in everything I can, careful not to compare this moment to the past and just sitting in my fear of being out-of-control. I might look uncomfortable but that's not completely accurate. Give me a minute - I'm just trying to catch up.

Here's to a new year of being older, wiser, spontaneous and totally out of control!