Stop the ride, I want to get off!

The last year of my life has been a foggy dream and I keep wondering when I'll wake up.  Don't get me wrong, even in the fog, I'm still thankful for my life. Actually, that's a lie. I'm trying to be thankful but that's hard because I really want to focus on the negative. And over the past 365 days plus, there's been a lot of negative. Fine, fine - a lot of positive too.

Many people don't know but S and I are getting a divorce and wow, that was really hard to type. We've been together for 13 years, married for 10. We've had an amazing ride and produced two amazing little boys that have changed my soul for ever. In fact, S changed my soul forever. I experienced a lot with him. We rode the roller coaster of life several times in a row with minimal puking - I think that's pretty amazeballs.

I'll spare you the details of the demise of my marriage but I will say this. I am 50% to blame for our issues. I didn't appreciate him enough. I did't tell him that I loved him enough. I didn't kiss him enough. I didn't build him up enough. I complained. Nagged. Pushed. Pulled. Resented - good gracious how seeds of resentment were sowed into our marriage very early. The blow-up of our marriage is something I'll never be able to wrap my head around for the most part. In relationships you say and do things you aren't proud of, hug it out and apologize but unfortch this time that didn't happen. I failed him as a wife. I may never get the chance to say I'm sorry and him believe it but I am sorry. I'm sorry for hurting him. For becoming a person he can't stand to be around.

Girls, be thankful for your husbands. They aren't perfect but neither are you. Be thankful for the small stuff. Be content. Dear GOD, be content. Don't push for more. Don't rock the boat for the sake of rocking the boat. Be your best. Push him to be his best. Compliment him. Kiss him hard. Thank him for the sacrifices he's making/made. Don't take him for granted.

Men, lighten you women's load a little. We hold everything on our shoulders - be present. Wanting to help out. Kiss her hello and goodbye. Let her have GNOs with minimal complaining. Make her step out of her comfort zone. Surprise her. Plan date nights. Be happy. Make her laugh. Don't take her for granted.

I'm becoming a single mom. God help me. I'm already shaky at this mom thing but a single mom? I'm sure the blog will become a place for stories of B & E's tomfoolery and shenanigans as it already has. Buckle up people. There will be no stopping on this ride... Wait yes - there is! Stop the ride, I want off...mostly because I have no idea what to expect and the control freak in me if scared and gasping for air.

During the past year and the rebirth of "Lisa", I'm learning that the people you think you can count on disappear into thin air. It doesn't matter the track record you have with them - poof! - they're gone. On the flip side of that, there's the introduction of new people in your life. Or the reintroduction of new people in your life.

I recently reconnected with an elementary school girlfriend and it's just like no time has passed. We both have kids that are close in ages so we bond often over motherhood.

I have my college bestie who just gets me and often knows what I'm thinking with a look for eye-roll. We usually talk in movie/tv show quotes and totally get each other.

I've been fortunate to go through this motherhood journey with some pretty sweet mom friends. There's one girl in particular that has rocked my face by encouragement, getting me out and about but mostly just being supportive. Thanks, S!

I've also met some pretty cool new guy friends. All of them has forced me to think outside my comfort zone a lot.  That what I'm used to obviously isn't working so why not look at something a new way.

Last but not least, there's B. Oh, sweet B. He's something else. And kind of out of no where too. He's funny. Handsome. Witty. Smart. Caring. Just an all around good person. His laughter is contagious. His  hugs are fantastic. I feel like I've known him my entire life and it's only been a short span of time. We have the best time doing anything but nothing at the same time. He's able to put me in check like no one else has and call my bluff when needed. It's oddly comforting while pushing me to be the best, new, happy Lisa I can be. I'm not sure what I did to get so lucky but I'm glad I did.

Even in the beautiful chaos, I'm a lucky girl. This is a year of rebirth and I'm excited/scared as hell to see where it goes. Join me for my journey....