5 years ago today, you made me a mom for a second time. I was scared, probably a little more this time, because you kinda came into our lives with surprise and a little unexpected.
You rock my world every single day and I love watching you because honestly, I see a lot of myself in you. You aren't afraid to take chances, are a little bossy and are much louder than you should be. I love your "I can do anything" attitude, within reason, and your spontaneity, spunk and sassiness.
Thank you for letting me see the world again through your eyes and teaching me daily lessons of patience, love and risk taking. Don't ever stop being curious but you can stop making me watch the same episode of Yo Gabba Gabba over and over.
Isn't it funny how easily we trust people? We trust them to respect us and not intentionally hurt us every day. It's like that saying on Pinterest, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."
It's true. I try hard to treat others the way I want them to treat me but I'm human and makes mistakes every day. I put my heart out there to get trampled on. Daily. And honestly it almost always does for a lot of reasons. People see their lives through their own perception or emotions and it's hard to change it. It's hard because we want to explain ourselves. We want our character to remain in tact. We want to be understood, not misunderstood.
Anyone that knows me, knows how much I hate to be misunderstood, especially when I come from a place of love. Or doing a good deed.
Truth is, we can't control how people see the world. What they say. How they interpret your actions and story. You just have to try daily to do the right things and as long as you can lay your head down at night and know you did your best then that's all that matters. We have to remember that everyone is fighting their own battles and sometimes it's just not personal. Sometimes it is personal though and you just have to keep on going. People are going to talk. People are going to judge. People are going to hate and you really aren't able to do anything about it if they aren't open to hearing your story. Especially as they see your world, actions or story through their life experiences.
Be kind. Love hard. Stay open. Be real. Show grace. Empathy. But always protect your heart and remember you aren't perfect. You can't judge someone by their actions while judging yourself by your intentions.
Over the past almost year, I talked to certain friend nonstop. All day, every day. No matter what. Some might say it was unhealthy. I'd say that you are probably right but they were a crucial part of my life, playing the part as my best friend. Confidant. My gut-check. Voice of reason. My person.
You know the person I'm talking about. You have one of those too.
However, over the past few days I learned that this person wasn't who they said they were. So cutting them out of my life was heartbreaking but necessary. Man it hurts. Day 1 was hard. I struggled with picking up the phone and texting when I got an exciting phone call but I didn't. And I hated the fact I couldn't. I joke that I only had the shakes a few times but it's kind of true. My heart feels like something is missing. Like it hurts to breathe when I think about life without them.
But over the past year, I've learned that I deserve more. I deserve honesty. Truth. Respect. Honor. Love and so much more.
The past few days have been hard but I have learned so much about myself. I'm proud of myself. It hurts like hell but with time, I know that I'll be okay. And I hope you will be too.
I am Pinterest lover. Seriously. There's really nothing that I don't use it for. Recipes. Clothing ideas. Decorating ideas. DIY stuff. ORGANIZATION which I adore but don't have the time to do these days. However, their quotes section is my jam!
Here are somethings that have spoken to me in one way or another.
I went to church today for the first time in a really long time. A lot of people may not know that I grew up in church, pretty hard core. I grew up heavily involved in my church, religion and faith but as I got older, I started thinking more for myself and less about how it was shoved down my throat. Less about the institution of religion and more about what faith was to me. Let me explain - I grew up verrrrrrry Baptist. We were at church every time the doors were open, usually 3-5 times a week.
Lately, my heart is closed. Guarded. Angry. Good grief how I've been angry. I don't understand why I'm here. Why I've had to experience some of the things I've had to experience. I keep asking myself, "where is God?" Why is He letting me go through this? When is enough, enough?
I begged him to show His face to me. I'd wait for answers and get radio silence. Nothing. Fast forward to the tears. Anger. Cursing. Yelling. Hate. Bitterness. Questioning His existence. Basically anything and everything. I've wondered if God is even real or He's just an idea that people buy into. I know that's very debatable question and everyone has their own feeling on it. I started telling myself that I can do life by myself. I don't need faith. Trust. Hope. I didn't need a God. I wondered why I didn't get an immediate answer. Immediate gratification. I was asking why didn't He do what I WANTED Him to do? I started asking why about anything and everything.
Today, I had a moment where I felt the walls that I've been building up for so long finally come down. I have been all of these emotional things for the past few years and today, while singing a praise and worship song, I felt these walls come tearing down. I felt the internal drama and insecrutities wash away and the real Lisa standing there. Standing there vulnerable. Open. Exposed. I hate all of those things. I know that I needed to work on my faith. On my relationship with God. In fact, I've been praying and asking Him where's He's been. Why hasn't He changed my situation or made it a little easier? Why hasn't he shown himself? Truth is that He's been here the entire time. I have spent all this time focusing on what I don't have instead of focusing on what I do have. The bad. The negative. The people that have left. The things that have happened not what hasn't happened. Yes, it's not what I would have chosen but honestly, this is part of my story. This divorce needed to happen for whatever reason and I've been wasting all this energy wanting to know WHY instead of having faith this is part of a bigger plan. Wait - I do sometimes focus on that but in those lonely moments, I focus on the negative instead of the positive.
During the praise and worship song, Hillson United's "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)", I found myself weeping. Almost sobbing. Listening to the words about faith. Trust. My heart has been so closed off that I haven't trusted God's plan for my life. My faith is nonexistent. It's hurt. It's full of self and pride. Delusion. Selfish desires.
But seeing those lyrics on the screen and really listening to them as I sang them in my horrible singing voice, something happened. Those tears started scrubbing my soul. I started feeling sunlight seeping in a very dark area, the air in my lungs and I felt my heartbeat for the first time in years. I felt hopeful. I felt God's grace. And His mercy pouring over me so loud and so clear just like I had begged him to do. He was there all the time but I wasn't in a place where I could hear it. I could feel it. It made me realize that now is the time to become that person that I've always wanted to be. It didn't matter how much I have failed Him. Or how I've hurt Him. What matters is that today, I realized I can start over and the past, while still there, doesn't matter. He won't hold that over my head even when others do. In God's eyes - I'm new.
I walked out of church open and ready to look at my life a little differently. I've decided to try and use where I am right now to make a difference. Stay tuned because I'm really excited for this new Lisa.
"So I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the wavesWhen oceans riseMy soul will rest in Your embraceFor I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without bordersLet me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wanderAnd my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior"
I find myself in an unfamiliar place these days. I can't find my happiness. I'm so focused on the negative and what's gone wrong that I lose sight of what I have. I've stopped looking at what's gone right.
Let's face it, my life isn't perfect. It's not even close but you know what? It's pretty darn good. I have so much to be thankful for that sometimes it's overwhemling while other times it takes way to much energy to thankful. To be happy. To be grateful. To be positive. It's really easy to get into the negative instead of counting my blessings. I'll spare you the list of the things that I'm thankful for because they are what you think, very normal. Very predictable. So I'll go with some unconventional things that I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for all the tough situations I've been because they've made me who I am today. I'm thankful for my past and although there are some parts that I'd love to erase, truth is that the past made me who I am today - good and bad. It's shaken me to my core, made me thankful for all that has gone right and wrong. It's shown me that my past doesn't define me. It doesn't. I'm trying to remember to use it as a stepping stone, as hokey as that sounds. I'm thankful for grace and forgiveness. Man are those big ones. I keep telling myself to let things go because God doesn't remind me daily of the mistakes I've made - He simply has let it go too. Sometimes forgetting is hard but most of the time, it's not. I can't change the past, I can only shape the future so why waste that energy trying to change something that isn't changeable. Forgiveness. Oh, forgiveness - you tricky little act and word. I'm learning every day to let go of the apology I might never get. I'm learning too that I might not get to apologize to someone either and while I wish I could, sometimes that isn't part of the plan. I am trying to remember that sometimes how people treat you is indicative of how they see themselves and we are all facing our own issues so be kind when someone isn't kind to you. Man is that a hard one for someone like me.
Every day is another day so why hold on to yesterday? Breathe. Let it go. Be thankful. Be present. And make today better than yesterday. The day before.
As Pharrel suggests - just be "Happy". It comes in many shapes and forms. Try to embrace it.
Dating suuuuuucks. Dating at 36 reallllllly suuuuuucks. It does. I'm a relationship girl. Always have been. I love being part of a couple. Please don't confuse this with someone that needs to be in a relationship to be happy because I don't. In fact, I know more of what I want NOW than I ever have before.
I'm what you classify as "hard to handle". I've been told I'm bossy. Loud. Pushy. Sarcastic. Funny. I have a very dry sense of humor and not everyone "gets" it. Sometimes, I find myself explaining a joke or my off the wall comment so anymore, I tend to keep them to myself until I really know you.
Dating sucks - did I mention that? Especially as a 36 year old single mom that doesn't have a lot of time. I found myself :gulp: online dating. What a cluster eff, man. I get it - I'm not supermodel. I'm curvy, "thick"or chubby, fashion risk taker and average. I do have some sass and spunk often wearing a faux hawk and red lips. So online dating is hard because everyone obviously goes by looks so I try hard to lure them in with a witty profile. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Online dating definitely takes a hit on one's self esteem, man. Some of those cuties can't carry a conversation. Some of them are well versed but weird. It's a melting pot of crazy cakes at times with a slice of hilariousness.
Then when you're not looking, one slips through the cracks. They change your life. They surprise you by knowing you in ways you never expected. By picking up everything you've been hiding your entire life and reading things about you that no one, not even your best friend knows in a short, hot minute. There's chemistry. There's fireworks. There's passion. There's that whole thing of making you rethink everything you thought you knew and questioning everything you stood for. Then they decide they're done. They crush promises they never intended to keep and hurt your already fragile heart. It doesn't work for them but in your heart, you know it does. You didn't expect this. You just wanted to meet new people. You just wanted to see what life after being married for 10+ years looked like. You didn't expect to find your numb heart alive and full of color but it is and you like it. You try to scream at them that they are making a big mistake but nothing comes out. Sometimes you know it's a mistake to walk away but you have to. Changed, different than when you entered this storm but knowing when enough is enough. Knowing when the pattern you are so familiar with probably won't change. You realize that you won't apologize for who you are anymore. I have a lot of weaknesses, which I'm reminded of every day but you know what - there are more strengths to focus on. You can pretend that this is easy. You can pretend this isn't worth it or fixable. That ending the best thing in your life is really what you want but we both know it's not. You'll regret this for the rest of our life.
But then as you're picking up the pieces of your already shattered, exhausted heart, you wonder if love is worth it? A good friend sent me an amazing quote today that's worth sharing.
Always trust love. It usually wins but not without a price.
I love sports. LOVE them. Lately, I've found myself watching women's college softball on ESPN whenever I am flipping channels and notice it's on.
Most people may not know that I grew up playing softball and started when I was 4. I grew up playing second base until I was old enough to fast pitch. I was good too, at least that's what I was told. Sometimes, if I have the chance, I might try and throw a few pitches occasionally. Granted, I'm much older and much heavier but I can still get a strike or two.
As I watch the various girls play, I find myself full of regret. I played in high school and one of my biggest regrets is not playing in college. My ultimate dream goal was to try out and ultimately play for for the US Olympic team. How amazing would that have been?!?!?!
Maybe it's just where my life is right now but I find myself full of various regrets. Regrets in love. Second chances. Regrets in trusting someone when my gut/heart was telling me not to. More to come on regrets in life.
It only took almost a year but the divorce is final. It was exhausting, emotional and painful as one chapter closed and a new one starts. Right now, it's me and the boys against the world. I'm terrified but ready. Excited but leery. This entire experience has changed me. For the better some days. Others for the worse but I can't go back to who I used to be. Here's to the next chapter of our lives, whatever it may be….
Part 2 of this that I was lucky enough to met someone very special that helped me through this difficult time in my life. Little did I know that I'd fall for him and he'd change my life too. He helped me become this new, alive and vibrant Lisa and I'll forever be grateful to him for seeing something in me that no one else had. In the end made me believe too. Thank you Bo, for being my rock when I needed someone. For pushing me when I needed it. For calling me out when I needed it. For making me believe in love again. I didn't expect you to change my life but you did and I'll always love you for it. You will always have a part in this chapter of my life.
I am a girl of many words. Phrases. Sarcastic remarks and comebacks but lately - I got nothing. Which is totally weird because my life is full of…….beautiful, unorganized, crazy chaos. Some welcomed, most not, but it's my life and I'm just trying to live it.
I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just find myself starting a post then saving it because it doesn't feel right.
My life is in utter disarray right now. I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I'm trying to find my inner voice, which again is odd because I'm usually the loudest at the party. I try to surround myself with good people that have fun but lately, I find myself alone. Sometimes it's because I'm embarrassed about where I am in life but mostly, I've learned those I thought were these great friends are no where to be found during this chapter in my life. It's sad. I often wonder if I've pushed them away because of my insecurities or if they just don't know how to handle divorce, or a newly single but still loud, overbearing and bossy woman? It's fair to say that I've taken a step back, become very quiet and kept to myself a little more than usual because I'm unsure of this new path I've been forced on. Oddly, I've also found that those I never would have thought to step-up when I needed them to have done just that and new friendships have blossomed or re-bloomed.
I promise to be back soon. I have some amazing new fodder for the blog in the way of online dating, dating after divorce or while getting a divorce and some awesome new B & E stories. I've also taken a Facebook break which is strangely refreshing.
One of my adorable co-workers got married in January and I was lucky enough to snag an invite to the shindig at the Indianapolis Conrad. It was a lovely ceremony and great party. I had a pretty hot date too, if I do say so myself! It was nice to get dressed up and have an adult night out.
However, this is the first wedding I've attended since the divorce and I knew it would be tough. I absolutely adored the officiant. She offered a different spin on the traditional vows and she definitely got me thinking. I knew that my heart would hurt hearing those words, knowing that those promises weren't part of my life anymore. I remember hearing those words and fighting back tears, trying to keep it together. Part of them were happy tears watching J & S become husband and wife but the other part was a little bit of guilt. Knowing that my marriage failed and hearing those promises that I once said to someone that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, cut me to the core but also reminded me that love is real. Love is pure. Love is all around even when you don't think it's alive anymore. Love sneaks up on you when you don't expect it. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is life.
I'm really glad to have gotten that "first after divorce" checked off my list and I couldn't be happier for the new Mr. and Mrs! It reminded me to let my heart grieve what once was but be open for what could possibly be and trust me, I'm ready. It's scary putting myself out there again but I'm ready for what comes next!
While out running errands, I ran into an acquaintance that heard about my divorce and I walked away from the conversation feeling confused and violated. It started out very nice and normal but took a turn for the worse quickly. Allow me to breakdown the conversation.
Me: "Hi ladythatIthoughtwasafriend! How are you?"
Friend: "I'm well - thanks for asking." :our gazes lock uncomfortably: "How are you??? I heard about the, well - you know..."
I can basically here the womp, womp in her voice.
Me: "You mean the divorce?"
Friend: "YES! OMG ARE YOU OKAY!?!?"
Me: "Actually I am. Some days are harder than others but the boys and I are finding our groove. I'm hopeful about the future and what that means."
Friend: "I just can't imagine what you are going through. You must be so lonely. Do you cry a lot? OMG, HOW ARE THE BOYS?! Do they miss their dad? Do they see him? What happened? You guys always seemed so happy. Are you staying in the house? I can't imagine dating at this age. Are you dating? Is it finalized? Did you get everything? Girl, divorce looks GOOD on you. I'd kill to lose that much weight. What's your secret?"
Me: I start thinking holy crap where do I start so I take a deep breathe and open my mouth. "Well, I only cry when I'm lonely and I don't really have time to be lonely because I'm a single mom now raising two small, rambunctious, amazing little boys. The boys are okay. Yes, this is a transition. No this wasn't always the plan. I didn't plan on being a single mom but this is the hand I was dealt. Yes they see their dad every weekend. As far as what happened, well - I really don't want to talk about it. I'm staying in the house because well, that's the only house the boys have ever known. Yes, I'm dating, in fact I met a really great guy that makes me happy. No it's not finalized but will be soon. My secret is that I'm going through a very emotional time in my life and sometimes it's hard to eat because I'm exhausted all the time. I'm trying to keep everything as normal as I can so the boys can go on with life. I really wish someone would have told me that I was a heifer before the divorce because I don't really think divorce looks good on me but doesn't my rack look a-mahzing?! It's an emotional time in our house right now and we take one day at a time, basically one foot in front of the other. But thank you on the weight loss compliment. I did just unload 215 lbs and feel a hell of a lot lighter." **
We continue small talk for a while with a promise to "get dinner soon" but as I walk away, I think to myself, "self - some people are just socially inept on dealing with change. I'm sure she didn't mean to sound stupid but yes, I know she did. It's fine. You're fine. Just roll with it." I laugh uncomfortably and then move on to the next awkward situation in my life but that exchange got me thinking...
How many times have I done that to someone? How many times I have not been clued into the conversation and just rambled off uncomfortable questions to make small talk or fill uncomfortable silence? I'm sure it's often. I feel like there are so many people in my life I should apologize to.
A few fun facts to know and tell about how to approach someone going through a divorce - being a single mom wasn't on my radar but I am in fact now a single mom. I'm coping. Some days we eat cereal for dinner or stay in our jammies all day because we can. Things are complicated. Things are different but you know what? Things are fine. Every day they grow and change but we're tough. We adapt. We smile. We laugh. We cry. If you see me out, hug me. Give me high five. Buy me a Starbucks or a strong drink. Interact with the boys normally. Ignore my disheveled appearance. If I run into you while I'm out with my guy friend, don't call him by my exes name because that's awkward for everyone involved. Don't pity me because, well, that makes me think I'm a leper and lets' be honest here - I'm just getting a divorce. I'm not at home with my best friends Ben & Jerry, miserable and alone. I'm trying to move on. Don't chose that time to tell me that you didn't really like my ex anyway and I'm better of without him.
Just treat me like me. I'm still Lisa. I'm still me. I'm still that girl that cracks jokes at inappropriate times and laughs at things she shouldn't laugh at. I'm still the girl that's probably going to say out loud what everyone else is thinking.
I think this is where I cue the Destiny's Child "Survivor" here, right?
** That was my attempt at a joke. Think about it - I didn't physically lose 215 lbs.
No really - what a year. 2013 will always be the year of change and I have very mixed emotions about it. Life as I knew it is over. Operation "life is what you make of it" is in full force. One of my 2014 resolutions is to blog more. Be ready, people. I have a lot to talk about in 2014. I hope the holiday season was full of love, memories and family.
