It only took almost a year but the divorce is final. It was exhausting, emotional and painful as one chapter closed and a new one starts. Right now, it's me and the boys against the world. I'm terrified but ready. Excited but leery. This entire experience has changed me. For the better some days. Others for the worse but I can't go back to who I used to be. Here's to the next chapter of our lives, whatever it may be….
Part 2 of this that I was lucky enough to met someone very special that helped me through this difficult time in my life. Little did I know that I'd fall for him and he'd change my life too. He helped me become this new, alive and vibrant Lisa and I'll forever be grateful to him for seeing something in me that no one else had. In the end made me believe too. Thank you Bo, for being my rock when I needed someone. For pushing me when I needed it. For calling me out when I needed it. For making me believe in love again. I didn't expect you to change my life but you did and I'll always love you for it. You will always have a part in this chapter of my life.
I am a girl of many words. Phrases. Sarcastic remarks and comebacks but lately - I got nothing. Which is totally weird because my life is full of…….beautiful, unorganized, crazy chaos. Some welcomed, most not, but it's my life and I'm just trying to live it.
I haven't forgotten about this blog, I just find myself starting a post then saving it because it doesn't feel right.
My life is in utter disarray right now. I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I'm trying to find my inner voice, which again is odd because I'm usually the loudest at the party. I try to surround myself with good people that have fun but lately, I find myself alone. Sometimes it's because I'm embarrassed about where I am in life but mostly, I've learned those I thought were these great friends are no where to be found during this chapter in my life. It's sad. I often wonder if I've pushed them away because of my insecurities or if they just don't know how to handle divorce, or a newly single but still loud, overbearing and bossy woman? It's fair to say that I've taken a step back, become very quiet and kept to myself a little more than usual because I'm unsure of this new path I've been forced on. Oddly, I've also found that those I never would have thought to step-up when I needed them to have done just that and new friendships have blossomed or re-bloomed.
I promise to be back soon. I have some amazing new fodder for the blog in the way of online dating, dating after divorce or while getting a divorce and some awesome new B & E stories. I've also taken a Facebook break which is strangely refreshing.
One of my adorable co-workers got married in January and I was lucky enough to snag an invite to the shindig at the Indianapolis Conrad. It was a lovely ceremony and great party. I had a pretty hot date too, if I do say so myself! It was nice to get dressed up and have an adult night out.
However, this is the first wedding I've attended since the divorce and I knew it would be tough. I absolutely adored the officiant. She offered a different spin on the traditional vows and she definitely got me thinking. I knew that my heart would hurt hearing those words, knowing that those promises weren't part of my life anymore. I remember hearing those words and fighting back tears, trying to keep it together. Part of them were happy tears watching J & S become husband and wife but the other part was a little bit of guilt. Knowing that my marriage failed and hearing those promises that I once said to someone that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, cut me to the core but also reminded me that love is real. Love is pure. Love is all around even when you don't think it's alive anymore. Love sneaks up on you when you don't expect it. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is life.
I'm really glad to have gotten that "first after divorce" checked off my list and I couldn't be happier for the new Mr. and Mrs! It reminded me to let my heart grieve what once was but be open for what could possibly be and trust me, I'm ready. It's scary putting myself out there again but I'm ready for what comes next!
While out running errands, I ran into an acquaintance that heard about my divorce and I walked away from the conversation feeling confused and violated. It started out very nice and normal but took a turn for the worse quickly. Allow me to breakdown the conversation.
Me: "Hi ladythatIthoughtwasafriend! How are you?"
Friend: "I'm well - thanks for asking." :our gazes lock uncomfortably: "How are you??? I heard about the, well - you know..."
I can basically here the womp, womp in her voice.
Me: "You mean the divorce?"
Friend: "YES! OMG ARE YOU OKAY!?!?"
Me: "Actually I am. Some days are harder than others but the boys and I are finding our groove. I'm hopeful about the future and what that means."
Friend: "I just can't imagine what you are going through. You must be so lonely. Do you cry a lot? OMG, HOW ARE THE BOYS?! Do they miss their dad? Do they see him? What happened? You guys always seemed so happy. Are you staying in the house? I can't imagine dating at this age. Are you dating? Is it finalized? Did you get everything? Girl, divorce looks GOOD on you. I'd kill to lose that much weight. What's your secret?"
Me: I start thinking holy crap where do I start so I take a deep breathe and open my mouth. "Well, I only cry when I'm lonely and I don't really have time to be lonely because I'm a single mom now raising two small, rambunctious, amazing little boys. The boys are okay. Yes, this is a transition. No this wasn't always the plan. I didn't plan on being a single mom but this is the hand I was dealt. Yes they see their dad every weekend. As far as what happened, well - I really don't want to talk about it. I'm staying in the house because well, that's the only house the boys have ever known. Yes, I'm dating, in fact I met a really great guy that makes me happy. No it's not finalized but will be soon. My secret is that I'm going through a very emotional time in my life and sometimes it's hard to eat because I'm exhausted all the time. I'm trying to keep everything as normal as I can so the boys can go on with life. I really wish someone would have told me that I was a heifer before the divorce because I don't really think divorce looks good on me but doesn't my rack look a-mahzing?! It's an emotional time in our house right now and we take one day at a time, basically one foot in front of the other. But thank you on the weight loss compliment. I did just unload 215 lbs and feel a hell of a lot lighter." **
We continue small talk for a while with a promise to "get dinner soon" but as I walk away, I think to myself, "self - some people are just socially inept on dealing with change. I'm sure she didn't mean to sound stupid but yes, I know she did. It's fine. You're fine. Just roll with it." I laugh uncomfortably and then move on to the next awkward situation in my life but that exchange got me thinking...
How many times have I done that to someone? How many times I have not been clued into the conversation and just rambled off uncomfortable questions to make small talk or fill uncomfortable silence? I'm sure it's often. I feel like there are so many people in my life I should apologize to.
A few fun facts to know and tell about how to approach someone going through a divorce - being a single mom wasn't on my radar but I am in fact now a single mom. I'm coping. Some days we eat cereal for dinner or stay in our jammies all day because we can. Things are complicated. Things are different but you know what? Things are fine. Every day they grow and change but we're tough. We adapt. We smile. We laugh. We cry. If you see me out, hug me. Give me high five. Buy me a Starbucks or a strong drink. Interact with the boys normally. Ignore my disheveled appearance. If I run into you while I'm out with my guy friend, don't call him by my exes name because that's awkward for everyone involved. Don't pity me because, well, that makes me think I'm a leper and lets' be honest here - I'm just getting a divorce. I'm not at home with my best friends Ben & Jerry, miserable and alone. I'm trying to move on. Don't chose that time to tell me that you didn't really like my ex anyway and I'm better of without him.
Just treat me like me. I'm still Lisa. I'm still me. I'm still that girl that cracks jokes at inappropriate times and laughs at things she shouldn't laugh at. I'm still the girl that's probably going to say out loud what everyone else is thinking.
I think this is where I cue the Destiny's Child "Survivor" here, right?
** That was my attempt at a joke. Think about it - I didn't physically lose 215 lbs.
No really - what a year. 2013 will always be the year of change and I have very mixed emotions about it. Life as I knew it is over. Operation "life is what you make of it" is in full force. One of my 2014 resolutions is to blog more. Be ready, people. I have a lot to talk about in 2014. I hope the holiday season was full of love, memories and family.
It's my 36th birthday! Anyone that knows me, knows how much I LOVE my birthday. I do. I usually celebrate my birthday month, then birthday week with lots of fanfare, hoopla, cake and presents.
This year however is.....different.
I'm not trying to have a pity party. Trust me. Yes, it'll appear that way. Yes, you don't have to read it. So hang with me for just minute, there IS a point here.
I'm a creature of habit. I am just like several of you. I like things a particular way. I like to be in control. I like to know what's expected. I hate surprises. I do. Love to give them, hate to get them because of my high need-to-know what the hell is next in my life. Right now? I HAVE NONE OF THAT. I was very spoiled on my birthday. S always made me extra feel special from 12:01 AM on October 22 to the 11:59PM on October 22. I miss that already. The people in my life have stepped up and done a great job but there's something about my best friend missing my birthday that's daunting. Sad at times. Again, the people in my life have done everything in my power to make me feel that birthday love and for that I'm thankful. Even the ones that can't psychically be with me on my birthday so thank you! It's just not what I'm used to and I'm mourning that in my own way but I'm thankful for all of this.
Another thing that's been difficult is that, honestly, this month is different. Normally, I'd have the porch/house decked out in Halloween/Fall garb but this year I just didn't have the heart or motivation. I haven't even figured out the boys Halloween costumes yet so I'm thinking we'll be superheroes and they can wear their initial capes and call it day. Brody asked to be Mario and wanted Eli to be Luigi. He told me I could be the Princess which I gladly accepted that offer happily. In other words - Pinterest can SUCK it this year.
Change is hard. A year ago, my life was totally different and I had only a small inkling that my life was going to be turned upside down. Don't get me wrong - I'm okay with this journey. This is one of the hardest things I've ever endured and honestly, I just didn't expect my emotions to be so high, all the time. But they are. The people in my life are probably a little scared to answer the phone because they aren't sure if I'll be hysterically crying, laughing like a hyena or ANGRY about something. Usually something stupid and I'm trying to control the moment/situation but what can you do? Keep on swimmin' just like Dory in Finding Nemo says.
I'm just trying to take it day by day to find my new norm. I'm enjoying all that means - the new people. Experiences. Traditions. Surprises. It's overwhelming so I'm probably a little more quiet than normal because I'm taking in everything I can, careful not to compare this moment to the past and just sitting in my fear of being out-of-control. I might look uncomfortable but that's not completely accurate. Give me a minute - I'm just trying to catch up.
Here's to a new year of being older, wiser, spontaneous and totally out of control!
Brody and Eli:
My sweet, amazing, lovable boys. You bring me so much pride and joy. I'm not really sure how I got so lucky - but I did - and I'm thankful for that everyday. You changed me for the better and I'm not sure I can accurately tell you what that means.
I want you to know that your dad and I loved each other very much. We tried so hard to make our family work. We were young, in love and at that time was all we needed. Well, it's part of it. The other part is hard work, compassion, grace and forgiveness. That's a big one. I hope you can remember the good times between me and daddy and take from it the positive but leave the negative. You probably saw and heard more than you should have honestly and for that I'm sorry.
I want you both to grow up believing in love and know that marriage does work. It does. Love works. You have to work at it every day. It's not easy. Your significant other has to work at - they have to WANT to work at it. Don't even stop trying. Don't ever stop being the man God wants you to be. Say I'm sorry. Forgive like crazy. Talk to her. Talk about why you fell in love with her. What you're happy about. Your fears. Dreams. Your joy. Hold her hand. Take her on dates. Kiss her whenever she/you want. Remember that when you say those vows, they are forever not just when you get tired of being married.
What I'm trying to say here is that just because dad and me didn't work out, it doesn't mean that YOUR relationships won't work regardless of the statistics. It just simply means you have to try harder. Love deeper. Forgive easier. I want you to know that I know you're going to grow up, meet someone and move away from me. It'll be hard but I will support you 100%. I will work hard to love my DIL or the person you chose and not insert myself, cause problems or overstep boundaries. Yes - I'm your mom. I will do all of those things unintentionally but I pray that God will give me an open heart, eyes to see boundaries and ears to hear my words so I won't hurt your wife/my future DILs/partners. That goes for you too.
You need to know that I will push you to fight for your family like no other and all cost. I will not encourage you to take the easy way out and demand you fight for your vows daily. I will not force you to chose between me and her. As hard as it will be, I will step back and let you live your life as you see fit. Don't get me wrong - I'm here for you. Always. I'll give my opinion when solicited and more often than not, unsolicited because that's the type of mom I am.
Boys, don't be afraid of your parents mistakes. You aren't defined by them. Believe in love. Believe in happily ever afters. It's there - promise - you just have to work at it. For it. It won't be easy. Life isn't easy. Love is a conscious decision you make every day.
Open their car doors. Doors in general. Tell them how you feel. That's huge, Brody and Eli. Communicate. Don't leave things unsaid or unspoken because you never know when it's the last time you'll get a chance to say them.
Don't listen to other people, listen to your heart. If it feels right - do it. Take chances. Every single day take chances. Whether it's on life, love, opportunities or doing the right thing - take the chance. You're going to win some. You're going to lose some. Be prepared for that. Learn from all of it. Take those pieces good, bad, ugly, pretty and apply them to your life in hopes it makes you a well rounded person. Be open. Don't be so closed minded that you miss out on a lesson, opportunity, chance or situation because you never know when the who, when, what, where, why and how will teach you something that changes your life.
Remember that I'm always here for you. This situation isn't your fault and you need to remember that as we navigate this life path. Life will be a little different than planned now but God put us here for whatever reason and together as a family we'll get through it. I hope you are able to one day see the love in which you were created and know that you both are loved and wanted more than I can ever put into words. I will live the rest of my life fighting for you both. Protecting you both. I hope you see that I did all that I could with the best that I am and situation given. It wasn't my plan but always know I'm proud to be your momma and we're going to be okay because we have one another.
