A letter to my boys..

Brody and Eli:
My sweet, amazing, lovable boys. You bring me so much pride and joy. I'm not really sure how I got so lucky - but I did - and I'm thankful for that everyday. You changed me for the better and I'm not sure I can accurately tell you what that means.

I want you to know that your dad and I loved each other very much. We tried so hard to make our family work. We were young, in love and at that time was all we needed. Well, it's part of it. The other part is hard work, compassion, grace and forgiveness. That's a big one.  I hope you can remember the good times between me and daddy and take from it the positive but leave the negative. You probably saw and heard more than you should have honestly and for that I'm sorry.

I want you both to grow up believing in love and know that marriage does work. It does. Love works. You have to work at it every day. It's not easy. Your significant other has to work at - they have to WANT to work at it. Don't even stop trying. Don't ever stop being the man God wants you to be. Say I'm sorry. Forgive like crazy. Talk to her. Talk about why you fell in love with her. What you're happy about. Your fears. Dreams. Your joy. Hold her hand. Take her on dates. Kiss her whenever she/you want.  Remember that when you say those vows, they are forever not just when you get tired of being married.

What I'm trying to say here is that just because dad and me didn't work out, it doesn't mean that YOUR relationships won't work regardless of the statistics. It just simply means you have to try harder. Love deeper. Forgive easier. I want you to know that I know you're going to grow up, meet someone and move away from me. It'll be hard but I will support you 100%. I will work hard to love my DIL or the person you chose and not insert myself, cause problems or overstep boundaries. Yes - I'm your mom. I will do all of those things unintentionally but I pray that God will give me an open heart, eyes to see boundaries and ears to hear my words so I won't hurt your wife/my future DILs/partners. That goes for you too.

You need to know that I will push you to fight for your family like no other and all cost. I will not encourage you to take the easy way out and demand you fight for your vows daily.  I will not force you to chose between me and her. As hard as it will be, I will step back and let you live your life as you see fit. Don't get me wrong - I'm here for you. Always. I'll give my opinion when solicited and more often than not, unsolicited because that's the type of mom I am.

Boys, don't be afraid of your parents mistakes. You aren't defined by them. Believe in love. Believe in happily ever afters. It's there - promise - you just have to work at it. For it. It won't be easy. Life isn't easy. Love is a conscious decision you make every day.

Open their car doors. Doors in general. Tell them how you feel. That's huge, Brody and Eli. Communicate. Don't leave things unsaid or unspoken because you never know when it's the last time you'll get a chance to say them.

Don't listen to other people, listen to your heart. If it feels right - do it. Take chances. Every single day take chances. Whether it's on life, love, opportunities or doing the right thing - take the chance. You're going to win some. You're going to lose some.  Be prepared for that.  Learn from all of it. Take those pieces good, bad, ugly, pretty and apply them to your life in hopes it makes you a well rounded person. Be open. Don't be so closed minded that you miss out on a lesson, opportunity, chance or situation because you never know when the who, when, what, where, why and how will teach you something that changes your life.

Remember that I'm always here for you. This situation isn't your fault and you need to remember that as we navigate this life path. Life will be a little different than planned now but God put us here for whatever reason and together as a family we'll get through it. I hope you are able to one day see the love in which you were created and know that you both are loved and wanted more than I can ever put into words.  I will live the rest of my life fighting for you both. Protecting you both. I hope you see that I did all that I could with the best that I am and situation given. It wasn't my plan but always know I'm proud to be your momma and we're going to be okay because we have one another.

I love you both so much.

Love forever and ever,
Your momma

Wordless Wednesday: Today's theme is grace

I know it's Wordless Wednesday but I wouldn't be who I am without God's grace. He loves me in good times and bad, sickness and health, and richer or poorer so why can't I do that for someone else, anyone else in my life? Grace is an every day lesson that I'm working on. Giving. Getting. Living.

Stop the ride, I want to get off!

The last year of my life has been a foggy dream and I keep wondering when I'll wake up.  Don't get me wrong, even in the fog, I'm still thankful for my life. Actually, that's a lie. I'm trying to be thankful but that's hard because I really want to focus on the negative. And over the past 365 days plus, there's been a lot of negative. Fine, fine - a lot of positive too.

Many people don't know but S and I are getting a divorce and wow, that was really hard to type. We've been together for 13 years, married for 10. We've had an amazing ride and produced two amazing little boys that have changed my soul for ever. In fact, S changed my soul forever. I experienced a lot with him. We rode the roller coaster of life several times in a row with minimal puking - I think that's pretty amazeballs.

I'll spare you the details of the demise of my marriage but I will say this. I am 50% to blame for our issues. I didn't appreciate him enough. I did't tell him that I loved him enough. I didn't kiss him enough. I didn't build him up enough. I complained. Nagged. Pushed. Pulled. Resented - good gracious how seeds of resentment were sowed into our marriage very early. The blow-up of our marriage is something I'll never be able to wrap my head around for the most part. In relationships you say and do things you aren't proud of, hug it out and apologize but unfortch this time that didn't happen. I failed him as a wife. I may never get the chance to say I'm sorry and him believe it but I am sorry. I'm sorry for hurting him. For becoming a person he can't stand to be around.

Girls, be thankful for your husbands. They aren't perfect but neither are you. Be thankful for the small stuff. Be content. Dear GOD, be content. Don't push for more. Don't rock the boat for the sake of rocking the boat. Be your best. Push him to be his best. Compliment him. Kiss him hard. Thank him for the sacrifices he's making/made. Don't take him for granted.

Men, lighten you women's load a little. We hold everything on our shoulders - be present. Wanting to help out. Kiss her hello and goodbye. Let her have GNOs with minimal complaining. Make her step out of her comfort zone. Surprise her. Plan date nights. Be happy. Make her laugh. Don't take her for granted.

I'm becoming a single mom. God help me. I'm already shaky at this mom thing but a single mom? I'm sure the blog will become a place for stories of B & E's tomfoolery and shenanigans as it already has. Buckle up people. There will be no stopping on this ride... Wait yes - there is! Stop the ride, I want off...mostly because I have no idea what to expect and the control freak in me if scared and gasping for air.

During the past year and the rebirth of "Lisa", I'm learning that the people you think you can count on disappear into thin air. It doesn't matter the track record you have with them - poof! - they're gone. On the flip side of that, there's the introduction of new people in your life. Or the reintroduction of new people in your life.

I recently reconnected with an elementary school girlfriend and it's just like no time has passed. We both have kids that are close in ages so we bond often over motherhood.

I have my college bestie who just gets me and often knows what I'm thinking with a look for eye-roll. We usually talk in movie/tv show quotes and totally get each other.

I've been fortunate to go through this motherhood journey with some pretty sweet mom friends. There's one girl in particular that has rocked my face by encouragement, getting me out and about but mostly just being supportive. Thanks, S!

I've also met some pretty cool new guy friends. All of them has forced me to think outside my comfort zone a lot.  That what I'm used to obviously isn't working so why not look at something a new way.

Last but not least, there's B. Oh, sweet B. He's something else. And kind of out of no where too. He's funny. Handsome. Witty. Smart. Caring. Just an all around good person. His laughter is contagious. His  hugs are fantastic. I feel like I've known him my entire life and it's only been a short span of time. We have the best time doing anything but nothing at the same time. He's able to put me in check like no one else has and call my bluff when needed. It's oddly comforting while pushing me to be the best, new, happy Lisa I can be. I'm not sure what I did to get so lucky but I'm glad I did.

Even in the beautiful chaos, I'm a lucky girl. This is a year of rebirth and I'm excited/scared as hell to see where it goes. Join me for my journey....

There's nothing to fear but fear itself...

Ahhhh, fear. Fear is a tricky little thing.  It has a way to motivate, paralyze, and confuse a person with one single move. It can cloud your judgement. It makes you see things that aren't there. It can push you to keep going when you don't think you have anything left inside. It can make you feel not good enough so you don't take a risk or chance. Fear feeds your assumptions. Fear is a crutch to stay safe. Stay consistent or protected and in the safety zone. Fear is often foolish. Fear can keep you from happiness because you don't think something might be different or worth letting go of the vision in your head based on your past or present. Fear is mean.

Fear has slowly taken over my life. Sweet mother of pearl that feels so weird to even say but it's the truth. I am the girl that isn't afraid of a challenge. I really don't care what people think about me unless it's the people closest to me. There will be more on that later...

I am a risk taker not really focusing on the what-ifs or what can go wrong. I have no time for fear but lately, fear comes in the form of anxiety for me. My anxiety is through the roof since having the boys. I fear daily something will happen to them and I will lose them forever or something will happen to me and my boys will grow up without their momma. The irony here? I can't control that. If that's part of the plan, I have no control over what happens.

Let's be honest - I'm learning that I really have no control at all, whatsoever.

Fear has forced many of my relationship's hands too. When I am fearful, I grab a hold of everything close to me and shut it down. I put up bigger walls so no one can come in and I do that to protect myself to keep from getting hurt. In turn, that hurts worse because of the fear. I'm just a girl that has been hurt deeply a few times in her life and wants to try to prevent that again, whenever I can.

I ask a lot of questions in life. That's just the kind of person I am. When I feel unsure or scared, I talk. A LOT. That seems to annoy people but in real life, it's just me trying to gain an understanding of the situation. I'm a fixer. It's what I do. I want to help not only myself but those I care about so when I experience fear or see those I care about with fear, I want to make it better as fast as I can. I hurt when those I care about hurt. I've been told lately that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm learning that might just be the case even though the thought of that weirds me out...

 You might be asking - what can I learn from this? What IS she saying? I'm saying that you can't be fearful of what life is offering you. It might be different than what you're used to. It might make you FEEL different than what you're used to. It might make you want to change who you are and I'm learning that's okay. It's okay to step out of your comfort zone. It's okay to take a chance. You might fail. You might get hurt but you know what? You might not. You might realize that chance changed your life forever in the best way possible.

Regardless of the outcome, don't be afraid to take a risk. It might change your life. I know letting go of the fear of failure, what people think about me, and what I think is best and letting God have the fear has been a lifesaver for me...

In the eye of the hurricane

I've been very transparent on my faith in my blog and my life. I grew up very rooted in religion and faith was shoved down my throat. So much so, as an adult, I shut my faith off completely. I haven't had faith in my now failing marriage, my struggling journey in motherhood or my so-called crazy life and I've just been free-balling it.  Some days that works swimmingly and others, uh yea - not so much. 

When I find myself drowning in life, I surround myself with good, honest, real, humble, imperfect people that I'm lucky to call my friends. Best of all, these people come in all forms. They are kids/mentors I grew up with in Christian schools, co-workers, cousins, mom friends and people I met in random life situations. I have had some of the most life altering conversations lately with people I meet in the most unexpected places. People that most Christians I grew up around would judge the hell out of them based on their appearance and circumstances but inside they are the most down-to-earth, honest, genuine and unintended faith based people I've ever met.  One in particular has pushed me to think outside the box, look at the big picture and just trust that everything is happening for a reason. He's pushed me to see the good even when it feels impossible and uneventful. I'm not sure he understands that our brief friendship has changed me in a way that I'll never be able to give words to, I just know that I'm thankful for that.  

I also often turn to Christian music which again goes against everything that was instilled in my now on the way to reformed Baptist heart. I mean, God doesn't like the drums, does he? Oh wait.... 

Anyway, I came across Natalie Grants "Hurricane" and the words hit me just like a hurricane. I'm in the middle of a life-changing situation and these words describe how I feel daily. Sometimes minute by minute but in the end, there's a bigger plan that I can't see and I need to have faith that God's got this. He's not putting me through this storm to not break, change or make me see something/some lesson that I need for whatever reason. Sometimes it just takes humbling yourself to realize you can't do it alone and I realized lately, I can't do it alone. I'm not doing it alone. I have amazing kids, family, friends, and a church that is rooting for me to seek God and let him reach me, where I am in the hurricane. I know and love a God who's mercy and forgiveness overflows to me daily, even when I don't deserve it and let's be honest - I don't deserve it but for whatever reason He's willing to give it to me and today, I'm thankful. 

Hurricane

By: Natalie Grant

You're spinning out of control again
Your life feels like a sinking ship
You're wondering how it came to this

Is it too late?
Is it too far?
For Him to reach you
And come to where you are

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

You're in the wreckage underneath
Your hope is buried somewhere deep
You're wondering how long it will keep?

It's never too late
Never too far
For you to reach out
And take a hold of love

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

Don't back down from the fight
He'll shelter you tonight
Just hold on for the change
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

There's a place, there's a place you can run
When you fall, and it's all come undone
You'll be safe in the raging storm
So just let go
'Cause you are held in His arms

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

Ooo ooo...

And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in a hurricane

Why do I try so hard?

I was listening to the Christian station on my satellite radio the other day and heard Amy Grant's new song, "Don't Try So Hard". I found myself weeping as I listened to the words for a lot of reasons, especially what I'm going through in life experiences right now. Everyone that knows me, knows I'm very Type A with a smidge of control freakness coupled with the amazing ability to overreact and be terribly impatient. I have an idea of what life should be like and when it doesn't match the image in my head, I tend to panic or freak out sometimes silently and not-so-silently. 

These qualities have affected my faith which has been a part of me, very deep rooted in fact, for as long as I can remember. I used to ooze "faith" until I witnessed Christians in action. Let's be honest - I'm not a fan of most Christians. Let me rephrase, I'm not a fan of Baptists. Why might you ask? For me, in my experience, the Baptists breed hate. They breed judgmentalism. They take parts of the Bible, flip them to whatever they want them to be and live life according to what they want to believe and it makes me angry. Angry for a lot of reasons but mostly because I find myself reprogramming myself from this mode of thinking daily. This process has made me resentful of my faith, my church and upbringing. I blamed God for my youth experiences, the bullying and most of all the rumors that my peers started. I believed those rumors and end up living those rumors because no one believed me otherwise so why not make it true? That experience forever skewed my view of believers and sometimes people. 

As a married, working mother of two the stress I put on myself is unbelievable. Some of it's just but most of it's religious/peer expectations. I've compared my life at times to the picture in my head, from my church, in the bible and missed out on so much because it never matched or I couldn't see past the legalistic view and take life for what it really was. Honestly, I couldn't see past myself.  My life. My experiences. I'm hard on myself for that because I've missed out on the small stuff because I can't get past an idea - an idea of perfection that's really humanly unattainable. Striving to make God proud when in real life - He IS proud of me. That I'm imperfectly imperfect. A person with a kind heart that is trying to do, be and live the best she can. I make mistakes. I've hurt people and will continue to do so because I'm real. Honest. Scarred. Broken. I've judged one too many times without knowing circumstance or background. Honestly, I'll continue to struggle with that as long as I breathe but I find myself thinking about the person rather than the situation now.  I usually root and stand up for the underdog. I'm re-learning compassion. I'm re-learning and re-living GRACE. Understanding. Patience. I'm the least patience person, ever. Forgiveness. Holy crap is that last one another hard one. Forgiveness is even hard to say. I have a hard time saying I'm sorry. When I'm wrong but you know what - I'm learning. Life and experience are making me learn every day and it's kicking me in the teeth at times. 

I guess what I'm saying is that it's okay to not try so hard. Not to be perfect. Not limit yourself to the picture of perfect in your head. That perfect vision can make you lose everything over time or in one unattainable moment. God loves us for our imperfections - we should embrace them. Own them. Be proud of them. And stop trying so hard because God doesn't have to try hard to love you for you or see the good in you.  Don't try so hard...

"Don't Try So Hard" 
By Amy Grant and James Taylor

Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe 
Cause it's a long, 
long week for someone wired to please 
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher 
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now 
Wish I would tell myself 

Don't try so hard 
God gives you grace and you can't earn it 
Don't think that you're not worth it 
Because you are 
He gave you His love and He's not leaving 
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it 
You're lovely even with your scars 
Don't try so hard 

Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids 
Oh we didn't think much about it, 
we just lived 
Taking our time, 
beautiful leisure 
When did we start, 
trying to measure up 
And all this time, 
love has been trying to tell us 

Don't try so hard 
God gives you grace and you can't earn it 
Don't think that you're not worth it 
Because you are 
He gave you His love and He's not leaving 
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it 
You're lovely even with your scars 
Don't try so hard 

God gives you grace 
You can't earn it 
Stop thinking you're not worth it 
Because you are 
He gave you His love and He's not leaving 
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it 
You're lovely even with your scars 
Don't try so hard

Mommy has to use the potty, boys....

When did crapping alone become a luxury in my life? I know, I know - when I decided to become a mother but good grief I miss luxury craps.

I don't think I've used a bathroom alone since the day Brody was born on July 16, 2008. Dude, I even had to have help peeing after a 7 lb 11oz baby barreled through my birth canal during my hospital stay.
After we were home, it was a quick run with Brody in his bouncy seat or laying on the bathroom floor.

Then I thought when Eli was born on December 22, 2009 that I'd have a few days of peace and quiet in the hospital to bond with my baby and maybe pee alone. Nope.

The next part of this picture is having a 17 month old and newborn at home then trying to find time to take a pee by myself. Think it happened? Lord no.

Let's talk about husbands and their alone bathroom time, shall we? My husband can walk into the bathroom for 45 minutes with no one banging on the door, screaming for daddy or having a 36 inch little person burst through door like the house is on fire. Nope. He gets to read a magazine, play a game or two on the iPad, heck even make phone calls and return texts and emails.

Fast forward to the minute I walk into the bathroom, it's like this odd magnetic pull for Brody and Eli. As soon as the door shuts there's screaming, pounding on the door and brothers going haywire. Do you think my husband, if he's home, makes an attempt to stop the kids from screaming and the shenanigans so I can take a crap in silent? Think again, people. And I can't lock the door. I can't. Because when I come out of the bathroom, my bedroom, their bedroom, the living room is trashed. The fridge is open, the milk jug is on the floor - pandaemonium, people.

Never mind if he isn't home to distract them. The door is flung open, we play a game of 20 questions (riveting questions about anatomy, what I'm doing and if I need help wiping) and to top it off, I've often had to hold a crying infant or toddler or two while on the pot. Who does that?

Oh that's right - a mom does that.

Now if you excuse me, Eli has found the PBS Kids app on my iPad and turned on Barney. Do you think he's in the room now playing with and listening to that horrid app? Nope. Just another day of being a mom. Sing with me - "I love you, you love me...."